This momma swears after dark...

I sent a text, mostly because I can be a total bitch when it comes face to face.  I told him, we needed to figure shit out or we needed to do u s both a favor and separate because being happy is what I want for the both of us. I was having a fucked up day at work as it was, so I was in and out of reality.  I knew once he got the text his mind would be racing.   I got a response back that said we can talk when I am ready.  How do I ever begin? The surgeon that I work for a few days a week stress me out to the point that I can't concentrate.  But I push through because I love my job.  I am still learning some of his surgeries and when I am at work I give more than 100%, so its hard to focus on the shit going on at home.  I would call it shit some days, other days I would call it a happy marriage, but its hard to tell when husbands pissy fits have been occurring more than usual. I come home from work, and crack open a beer.  Tend to the g...

I am not sure what eventually became the breaking point for me. Deep down I have this immense feeling that I want to travel the world.  There is so much more out there for me.  I have dreams of never having kids or getting married, and I am just a free spirit out exploring the world.  The wonders of the world.  I used to think those were just fantasies people thought about or what life could have been, but this feeling just gets even more intense as I get older.  When I first met the hubbs, he never had the dreams of traveling, and used to think I was crazy when I told him I have a dream to backpack the west coast.  It was a dream of mine, but I think about it often and how I missed my shot.  Over the years I have talked him into taking a few amazing trips with me and all the while I got my culture fix while there.  I am desperate for travel. This may all seem like a bunch of hippie talk. I am this small spec in the world, and I am living...

How do I find equal balance in my life?  I thought I was doing a great job up until this point. I get upset with myself because it seems like lately all I do is yell at my kids for not doing their chores, get upset with husband because he let them go play without doing their chores first. I come home late from work after a 15 hour work day, exhausted, and yet I panic because my house is a mess.  My anxiety definitely gets the best of me.  I like to have a clean house, but with four of us living here, I feel like we should all have a part in keeping it clean.   Yet, that is my expectation. I am working on finding balance.  Balance in my household, for all of our sakes. Balance in my OVERLY demanding job, because I love my job but I can easily hate it. Balance with my fitness and weight, since I feel like a lardass. Balance with not drinking as much.  God I love my brewskies. Speaking of brewskies, yesterday was the first day I didn't get home and...

I am not angry, I just don't know how to feel....             Yesterday recap....   Our movie ended, and I headed upstairs to tuck in S.  She was in bed already and Hubby was by her closet door.  He said "Look at all the paint chipped on the floor where you just ruined the door, its all lifted up and you ruined it."  He said it in his I am pissed and disappointed voice.  I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, so I looked at the floor only to see chips of porcelain that lay on S's floor.  The other night I recall, when one of the porcelain masks that belonged to my grandma, had fallen to the floor and broke.  Those were the chips remaining from that ordeal.  I bent down to pick them up and barked back "these are not paint chips, what are you talking about paint chips for, why are you upset about that, when these are just chips of porcelain from my grandmas mask??!!"   I held my hand out for him to f...

How rude of me.  I just start blogging on and on without even a introduction.  I do that from time to time.  I am not new to the blog world, I have had several blogs along the way.  Some more public than others.  This is the first one that I have actually remained anonymous, to protect those I talk of.  My other lovely blog had many followers and I put our life all out there.  But just like most relationships, there is the sadness and hardships, which I never shared on those other blogs.  It was all sunshine and butterflies.   I quit blogging on those blogs due to the feeling that I put too much out there of my kiddos and personal life. Our vacations, family sprees, and that sort of thing.  And then you have those nosy bitches who like to stalk the family and see what we are doing in our lives, and that was technically all my fault due to putting it all out there.  So here I am.  Blogging anonymous.  Take that stalker bit...

     Funny, how I thought about coming back in my tiny office space to write another blog post as if I already knew how the morning would play out.  I heard the kids' alarms ringing and they got up to get ready for school.  I was tired, but as I look over at my husband laying next to me, I know that its just going to be another ordinary day off for me.  I get up with the kids, make sure S doesn't go to school with her hair sticking straight up since third grade can be tough on a girl.  I hear K downstairs getting ready for school. Hes been avoiding me lately because I took his phone from him. I shake my head as I think about it.   Teenagers. UGH!     I make coffee, ensuring there will be enough for M when he gets up, or he will drink the rest of what I may have made for me.  I bring up the laundry that was drying last night as I went to bed, and began my usual cleaning routine for my day off.  Quite boring, but I enjoy the qui...

     I had a shit-ton of venting to do, and I wasn't sure how to escape from all the feelings that rush through my head.  I have been having thoughts, you know those ones where you second guess everything and everyone around you, and you continue to ask yourself, why?  Why do I stay?  Why are you crying?  What happens next?  Well I have been getting to that point for some time now and I just need a place to go, an escape.  By the time I finished creating this blog, blog address, and email I was already frustrated to the point of not wanting to type this post.  But the effort couldn't go unnoticed.  Not that anyone will ever read this post or any that I create after this one. If I decide to even continue writing in this blog.      I have wanted to create a blog for some time now to have a place to just breathe.  I need a space to write or type my feelings.  Mostly because I feel alone and that I have no one ...