This momma swears after dark...

Its only 10:35 am and as I sip on the last bit of my bitter coffee, I can't help but wonder if I have an opened bottle of wine in the wine chest.    I have been on an emotional roller coaster, and although there are times I feel like I should sit at this dusty old computer and just blog about it, since it does help make me feel better, there are just too many emotions that I can't sit still long enough to get the whole story in.   Another sip of coffee which is now cold, and I am still just sitting here staring at these blank words I type up as I feel them. Remembered my weekend as if it was yesterday.   We are eating breakfast after church.  He asks me, have you been doing your workouts?   No, I haven't.  You made me cancel my gym membership. I suck at keeping myself accountable.  Yes I know I have gained weight. Yes I am eating a giant chicken fried steak right now for breakfast.  I feel like an overweight pig.  Must you keep bringin...

I was standing on one side of the operating table as I was watching my circulating nurse struggle getting the ted hose on a patients leg.  The patient had thicker legs and we all know how it can be hard to put on ted hose, anyway.  A comment was made by another scrub to the extent that I replied "don't make fun of girls with extra meat on their bones."  At that moment the scrub standing at the foot of the bed cocked his left hand back as hard as he could and spanked me on the ass as hard as he could.  I was stunned, and embarrassed.  I didn't have any words to say at the moment in time. I could feel the heat in my face and I just looked down at my circulator who also just looked down. I began helping with the ted hose, and I could feel my hands trembling because I was angry, embarrassed and the slap hurt enough that I didn't' know if it really just happened. The next case I am alone and the same circulating nurse comes and I ask him, "did that really h...

Dear 16 year old self, Here we go with another long letter. You certainly did always write long letters. Now you finally get to see how it feels for the letter receiver. I must say, it is pleasant. So much to say. Lets start at Sixteen, shall we? Don’t worry about what others say, your random yet crazy self will be remembered by the ones who love you for you. You will remain that social butterfly, and because of that you will meet great and wonderful people along the way to growing up... Take more risks. Not crazy ones... Just in moderation! Give your parents more credit. When you decide to cut your hair, dye it black with chunky neon red streaks, maybe you should warn them first. Oh. And they will never get used to you going to hardcore-screamo concerts with kids who safety pin their clothes for fashion. Those fashionable kids will end up thanking you later because you accepted them for who they really are. I know little bro is annoying as ever, and all up in your b...

     I can recall sitting out on the front doorstep watching the cars go by.   My toes are on the third step and I'm about fifteen feet away from the busiest street in town.  Some of the bastards drive with the music so loud it rattles everything on the walls.  I always wanted to live in the middle of the city and this was as close as anyone could get living in a state filled with country.  I watched cars go by but there is no sound, only lights.  Bright, neon, blinding lights that trace in long stretched out lines almost as if they are racing each other or racing against time.  I swear moments prior to this all the windows in the small house were open and the sound coming from the outside world was screeching so loud it was too much to bear but when I come out to investigate the sound I am in a trance with the surrounding silence and bright lights.  So I sit, and stay a while.        When I retrace my steps back int...

Her bare feet made a muddled sound as she walked across the cobblestone streets.  The buildings were giants that lined both sides of her.  She couldn't breathe because she had been running, not sure from what. She held her sandals in one hand gripping them by the woven gladiator strings.  Her hair was no longer straight, it had succumbed to a slight afro from the damp air and her sweat, which tasted salty on her lips.

I received a phone call from the state prison work camp, I already knew who was on the other side.  I can picture him leaning up against a dirty sea green cinder block wall, hoping that his phone call gets connected, because sometimes I don't answer.  He must be lacking funds for a phone card because the name that is trying to connect with me is someone else's other them my dads. When the call is connected, I hear my dad say hello. He began to tell me that they have set a date for him to be released.  Shit.  I couldn't be more happier, considering this go 'round lasted three years.  I'm sure its no thing for him.  We talked, he gave me the rundown of his plan.  Mental health will be supplying him with medications while on the outside, and he has a place paid for a few months until he can get on his feet. I wonder what goes through is mind in these last few days leading up to his release.   Is he worried about how he is going to survive? Does he g...

The trip went as expected.  Amazing.  The sun didn't shine until the second to last day, but the heat was perfect.  I didn't get much sleep because there were so many people to talk to and things to do.  I kayaked in the pacific ocean.  I shared some good memories and laughed like there was no tomorrow. Literally tomorrow came to soon, and there were a few nights that sleep wasn't an option.  I met some pretty amazing people, whom I can now call friends.  I soaked in the hot tub and thought about how it would be to live on one of the yachts floating in the marina in front of me.  The view was outstanding.  I was worry free.  I didn't want to leave.

I sent a text, mostly because I can be a total bitch when it comes face to face.  I told him, we needed to figure shit out or we needed to do u s both a favor and separate because being happy is what I want for the both of us. I was having a fucked up day at work as it was, so I was in and out of reality.  I knew once he got the text his mind would be racing.   I got a response back that said we can talk when I am ready.  How do I ever begin? The surgeon that I work for a few days a week stress me out to the point that I can't concentrate.  But I push through because I love my job.  I am still learning some of his surgeries and when I am at work I give more than 100%, so its hard to focus on the shit going on at home.  I would call it shit some days, other days I would call it a happy marriage, but its hard to tell when husbands pissy fits have been occurring more than usual. I come home from work, and crack open a beer.  Tend to the g...

I am not sure what eventually became the breaking point for me. Deep down I have this immense feeling that I want to travel the world.  There is so much more out there for me.  I have dreams of never having kids or getting married, and I am just a free spirit out exploring the world.  The wonders of the world.  I used to think those were just fantasies people thought about or what life could have been, but this feeling just gets even more intense as I get older.  When I first met the hubbs, he never had the dreams of traveling, and used to think I was crazy when I told him I have a dream to backpack the west coast.  It was a dream of mine, but I think about it often and how I missed my shot.  Over the years I have talked him into taking a few amazing trips with me and all the while I got my culture fix while there.  I am desperate for travel. This may all seem like a bunch of hippie talk. I am this small spec in the world, and I am living...

How do I find equal balance in my life?  I thought I was doing a great job up until this point. I get upset with myself because it seems like lately all I do is yell at my kids for not doing their chores, get upset with husband because he let them go play without doing their chores first. I come home late from work after a 15 hour work day, exhausted, and yet I panic because my house is a mess.  My anxiety definitely gets the best of me.  I like to have a clean house, but with four of us living here, I feel like we should all have a part in keeping it clean.   Yet, that is my expectation. I am working on finding balance.  Balance in my household, for all of our sakes. Balance in my OVERLY demanding job, because I love my job but I can easily hate it. Balance with my fitness and weight, since I feel like a lardass. Balance with not drinking as much.  God I love my brewskies. Speaking of brewskies, yesterday was the first day I didn't get home and...

I am not angry, I just don't know how to feel....             Yesterday recap....   Our movie ended, and I headed upstairs to tuck in S.  She was in bed already and Hubby was by her closet door.  He said "Look at all the paint chipped on the floor where you just ruined the door, its all lifted up and you ruined it."  He said it in his I am pissed and disappointed voice.  I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, so I looked at the floor only to see chips of porcelain that lay on S's floor.  The other night I recall, when one of the porcelain masks that belonged to my grandma, had fallen to the floor and broke.  Those were the chips remaining from that ordeal.  I bent down to pick them up and barked back "these are not paint chips, what are you talking about paint chips for, why are you upset about that, when these are just chips of porcelain from my grandmas mask??!!"   I held my hand out for him to f...

How rude of me.  I just start blogging on and on without even a introduction.  I do that from time to time.  I am not new to the blog world, I have had several blogs along the way.  Some more public than others.  This is the first one that I have actually remained anonymous, to protect those I talk of.  My other lovely blog had many followers and I put our life all out there.  But just like most relationships, there is the sadness and hardships, which I never shared on those other blogs.  It was all sunshine and butterflies.   I quit blogging on those blogs due to the feeling that I put too much out there of my kiddos and personal life. Our vacations, family sprees, and that sort of thing.  And then you have those nosy bitches who like to stalk the family and see what we are doing in our lives, and that was technically all my fault due to putting it all out there.  So here I am.  Blogging anonymous.  Take that stalker bit...

     Funny, how I thought about coming back in my tiny office space to write another blog post as if I already knew how the morning would play out.  I heard the kids' alarms ringing and they got up to get ready for school.  I was tired, but as I look over at my husband laying next to me, I know that its just going to be another ordinary day off for me.  I get up with the kids, make sure S doesn't go to school with her hair sticking straight up since third grade can be tough on a girl.  I hear K downstairs getting ready for school. Hes been avoiding me lately because I took his phone from him. I shake my head as I think about it.   Teenagers. UGH!     I make coffee, ensuring there will be enough for M when he gets up, or he will drink the rest of what I may have made for me.  I bring up the laundry that was drying last night as I went to bed, and began my usual cleaning routine for my day off.  Quite boring, but I enjoy the qui...

     I had a shit-ton of venting to do, and I wasn't sure how to escape from all the feelings that rush through my head.  I have been having thoughts, you know those ones where you second guess everything and everyone around you, and you continue to ask yourself, why?  Why do I stay?  Why are you crying?  What happens next?  Well I have been getting to that point for some time now and I just need a place to go, an escape.  By the time I finished creating this blog, blog address, and email I was already frustrated to the point of not wanting to type this post.  But the effort couldn't go unnoticed.  Not that anyone will ever read this post or any that I create after this one. If I decide to even continue writing in this blog.      I have wanted to create a blog for some time now to have a place to just breathe.  I need a space to write or type my feelings.  Mostly because I feel alone and that I have no one ...