Skip to main content

Breaking point.

I am not sure what eventually became the breaking point for me.
Deep down I have this immense feeling that I want to travel the world.  There is so much more out there for me.  I have dreams of never having kids or getting married, and I am just a free spirit out exploring the world.  The wonders of the world.  I used to think those were just fantasies people thought about or what life could have been, but this feeling just gets even more intense as I get older. 
When I first met the hubbs, he never had the dreams of traveling, and used to think I was crazy when I told him I have a dream to backpack the west coast.  It was a dream of mine, but I think about it often and how I missed my shot.  Over the years I have talked him into taking a few amazing trips with me and all the while I got my culture fix while there.  I am desperate for travel.
This may all seem like a bunch of hippie talk.
I am this small spec in the world, and I am living day to day, daydreaming about the outside world.
So today, right now, as I wrote this, I know the hubby will be coming home form work.  He is pissed off because I was low censused at work for the day and all he can think about is money.  Valid point with a household.  Why be angry at me, toward me or to me?  The situation may be irritating but this is entirely out of my hands.  Yet I pay for it... here's why...
(We went to dinner yesterday after I got the dreaded text that I was being low censused.  He was fine up until that point.  He left the room, and I didn't see him until it was time to go.  He came out, "are we leaving or what?"  I replied "yes, we are just waiting for you."  We all got our shoes on, K was sitting at the top of the stairs getting his shoes on. Hubbs said with a raised voice, "how many times do I have to tell you to not wear your damn shoes in the house?"  K told him he was just putting them on while he waited for us to get ready.  In K's defense he would only have to go down six stairs, so technically he wouldn't be wearing them in the house.  K, being a lost teenage boy, just stared at M.  I could feel the tension.  I said "lets go." 
We got into the SUV, and the entire drive there I got the silent treatment.  In my head I was thinking that this was going to be a good dinner with the kids to celebrate our anniversary, since it was the day before and we both worked.  We got to the resturant, and through the entire dinner M never even looked at me.  
:::okay,  get a fucking grip, now is not the time to start tearing up, I am telling myself this as I finish typing:::
The entire time, we ate, I felt like a complete fucking joke.  I work my ass off, I get low censused on days that its my turn, and I pay the bills, I help run a household, I have dealt with M's angry pissy fits for years now.  I got ready to go to dinner, and yet I sat there getting the silent treatment the entire time.  I wanted to cry at the table.  Instead I just kept smiling at S.  She was eating her food contently, and had no clue anything was wrong.  I would smile at her, and she would smile back.  Then that would make me happy.
K didn't say a word, partially because he knew M was mad.  Especially after being yelled at about his shoes back at the house.
We finish eating.
Went home.
M went to bed since he has to get up early.
I got kids ready for bed.
I sat on the couch thinking about how life would be without him....)

I am am going to leave before he gets here.  I have been nervous about him coming home since I woke up.  His ups and downs stress me out.I do know one thing, if money is what will make him happy he can have all the money.



Popular posts from this blog

Racing lights.

     I can recall sitting out on the front doorstep watching the cars go by.   My toes are on the third step and I'm about fifteen feet away from the busiest street in town.  Some of the bastards drive with the music so loud it rattles everything on the walls.  I always wanted to live in the middle of the city and this was as close as anyone could get living in a state filled with country.  I watched cars go by but there is no sound, only lights.  Bright, neon, blinding lights that trace in long stretched out lines almost as if they are racing each other or racing against time.  I swear moments prior to this all the windows in the small house were open and the sound coming from the outside world was screeching so loud it was too much to bear but when I come out to investigate the sound I am in a trance with the surrounding silence and bright lights.  So I sit, and stay a while.        When I retrace my steps back int...
Read more

Find Balance. Goal.

How do I find equal balance in my life?  I thought I was doing a great job up until this point. I get upset with myself because it seems like lately all I do is yell at my kids for not doing their chores, get upset with husband because he let them go play without doing their chores first. I come home late from work after a 15 hour work day, exhausted, and yet I panic because my house is a mess.  My anxiety definitely gets the best of me.  I like to have a clean house, but with four of us living here, I feel like we should all have a part in keeping it clean.   Yet, that is my expectation. I am working on finding balance.  Balance in my household, for all of our sakes. Balance in my OVERLY demanding job, because I love my job but I can easily hate it. Balance with my fitness and weight, since I feel like a lardass. Balance with not drinking as much.  God I love my brewskies. Speaking of brewskies, yesterday was the first day I didn't get home and...
Read more

Another intro.

     Funny, how I thought about coming back in my tiny office space to write another blog post as if I already knew how the morning would play out.  I heard the kids' alarms ringing and they got up to get ready for school.  I was tired, but as I look over at my husband laying next to me, I know that its just going to be another ordinary day off for me.  I get up with the kids, make sure S doesn't go to school with her hair sticking straight up since third grade can be tough on a girl.  I hear K downstairs getting ready for school. Hes been avoiding me lately because I took his phone from him. I shake my head as I think about it.   Teenagers. UGH!     I make coffee, ensuring there will be enough for M when he gets up, or he will drink the rest of what I may have made for me.  I bring up the laundry that was drying last night as I went to bed, and began my usual cleaning routine for my day off.  Quite boring, but I enjoy the qui...
Read more